10 Days Staring at a Wall: What I Discovered About Who I Am

Recently, during a silent and stillness retreat, I sat and stared at a wall or into a mirror for 10 days.

The question proposed to us was: “Who am I?”

On the surface, it seems like a simple question with answers like our name or profession.

But I am more than just a label or a job title. Even if those aspects of my life changed, I would still exist. My physical form might come to mind, but what if I underwent surgery or lost a limb? I would still be me. Beyond the impermanent layers of our lives — names, jobs, appearances — there’s an essence, a core of “me” that persists.

We experience this intuitively as children, recognizing ourselves in the mirror even with a constantly changing body. As adults, despite a completely regenerated physical form over the years, we still know it’s us staring back.

This enduring sense of self begs the question: what is this consistency that transcends the physical?

Perhaps my beliefs define who I am.

But what happens when those beliefs evolve?

Do I cease to be myself?

Thoughts offer another potential answer, but upon closer inspection, are we truly the creators of our thoughts, or do they simply arise spontaneously?

We don’t consciously choose our next thought, it just appears.
And because these thoughts often align with our existing experiences, we claim them as our own. But if they’re not under our control, can they truly be considered “me”?

You can test this yourself, watch and observe, see if you are deciding what to think next?

Through practice, we can learn to observe our thoughts objectively, like a witness rather than the source. We don’t choose our next thought; it simply appears in the stream of consciousness.

Recognizing this separation between ourselves and our thoughts helps us understand that “who we are” goes beyond the ever-changing physical form, fleeting mental chatter, and even the rollercoaster of emotions.

We wouldn’t define ourselves as a momentary surge of happiness or a passing wave of anger, just as we wouldn’t claim to be a single electromagnetic signal.

This seemingly daunting question, “who am I?”, offers a surprising gift: freedom.

By exploring the impermanence of our thoughts, emotions, and even physical form, we discover a core essence that endures. This awareness allows us to shed outdated beliefs and embrace the possibility of change.

We discover the freedom to transform, to evolve, to be the possibility of anyone in any moment.

This journey isn’t about finding a fixed identity; it’s about embracing the ever-evolving potential within us.

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

― Lao Tzu